


throw me in the deep (and watch me drown)

by kkulbear



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Asexual!Yukhei, Asexuality, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-22
Updated: 2018-09-22
Packaged: 2019-07-15 10:38:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16061378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kkulbear/pseuds/kkulbear
Summary: In which Ten can't keep his hands to himself, Yukhei is a lost soul, and Jungwoo is a bartender for hire.





	throw me in the deep (and watch me drown)

Yukhei met Jungwoo at his cousin's wedding in the winter of his twenty third year. Yukhei, despite being a seemingly little social butterfly with his charming smirk and good looks, could not have felt more awkward than he did at the wedding. He wasn’t particularly close with his cousin so he was casted as an outsider here. He leaned against a wall on the outskirts of the party. He had somehow shed himself of his jacket and was left in a white shirt adorned with a blue tie and to be completely honest, the fact that his jacket was missing had started to stress him out along with being surrounded with people he didn’t know.

 

Yukhei had been eyeing the hired bartender all night, stealing glances while he wasn’t looking and admiring the shape of his face and the way he smiled at every partygoer flashing a soft grin that Yukhei found cute. He shoved his hands in his pockets, letting his head roll back until it rested against the wall behind him. Yukhei always liked to daydream, and being in the middle of a wedding party wouldn’t stop him from letting his mind wander. He thought about the things he couldn’t do himself, what it’d be like to just approach the bartender and ask him questions about himself-- making smalltalk, making a friend. 

 

Yukhei was dramatically pulled from his own thoughts as he snapped back into realisation, a hand waving in his direction and a bright smile being flashed at him. The bartender was waving…  _ at Yukhei.  _ He blinked in awe before throwing up his own hand, nearly ripping his pockets from their seams as he jerked it quickly to wave to the bartender. Yukhei’s throat went dry, his tongue sitting like cotton in his mouth.  _ I guess I need a drink. _

 

Yukhei pushed himself to take steps toward the bar where drones of people had once taken the same path that he was to quench their thirst. The bar was quite empty at this point which made Yukhei a bit more comfortable to approach and make an order. He made it to the bar, resting his palms flat against the crystal blue countertop.

 

“Do you have Fireball?” Yukhei said, cursing himself in his mind. He didn’t mean to order alcohol and he was hit with regret as soon as the words had left his mouth.

 

“Fireball?” The boys voice was lower than Yukhei had expected. “Yes, I have Fireball.”

 

Yukhei nodded and looked into the boys eyes. “You know what, actually I think I want a Doctor Pepper instead…”

 

“Are you sure about it this time?” The boy behind the bar grinned.

 

“Yes, I’m sure.” Yukhei kept eye contact until the bartender had to turn away from him to fill a tall glass with ice before pouring in Doctor Pepper to the rim. He set it on the counter before Yukhei and watched as he brought the glass to his lips and took a couple quick sips of the fizzy liquid. 

 

“I’m Yukhei, by the way.”

 

“You tell all the bartenders your name?” Jungwoo giggled a bit, music to Yukhei’s ears.

 

“Only the cute ones.” Yukhei cheesed back at Jungwoo. He was in his element, Yukhei loved pretty boys, they made him more confident. 

 

A rosy pink cast spread over the bartenders cheeks as he averted his eyes away from Yukhei.  _ You’re so cute. _ “Well, I told you mine, what’s your name?”

 

“My name’s Jungwoo.”

 

“Are you always a bartender, or…?”

 

“Ah, no, I work for the company catering the wedding and they have me working the bar tonight. I honestly like it, I get to talk to a lot of interesting people and watch the older women get wine drunk.”

 

Yukhei and Jungwoo talked for a bit until the lights dimmed, signalling that the bride and groom were about to speak. Yukhei felt a strong hand on his shoulder and hot breath on his neck that sent a tingle down his spine.

 

“Hey where’ve you been all night, babe?” Ten pulled Yukhei closer to him and kissed his cheek.

 

Yukhei shot a glance at Jungwoo before looking up at Ten. Jungwoo’s smile had disappeared from his face, realising that Ten was Yukhei’s boyfriend. “I’ve just been here at the bar,” Yukhei motioned toward his half empty glass of Doctor Pepper.

 

“Your face is red, have you been drinking?”

 

“No, I--” Yukhei turned towards Jungwoo again, pulling a couple of dollars out of his pocket along with a slip of paper nestled between the bills with his number on it; he wasn’t prepared to cheat on his boyfriend or anything, he had it for reasons, he always kept his phone number written in his pocket. “Thank you again,” Yukhei looked into Jungwoo’s eyes once more. “For everything, I mean it.”

 

* * *

 

Jungwoo texted Yukhei three days after the wedding. He felt a little weird about it considering the boy he had been flirting with had a boyfriend. Nonetheless, Yukhei and Jungwoo had fallen into a comfortable way of talking to each other; they were fast friends. Yukhei had gotten into the habit of texting Jungwoo about his problems and Jungwoo would listen and give him advice-- regardless of the fact he was younger, Jungwoo was good at telling Yukhei what he should do and weighing in on important decisions.

 

It got to the point that Ten and Yukhei were having issues in their relationship. He doesn’t know how they grew apart in what felt like an instant… They had been together off and on since high school, they started out as friends and of course, it blossomed from there. Ten had changed somewhere along the way. He was getting a bit more pushy, trying to force Yukhei to do things he didn’t want to. He’d say things like “If you love me, you’d let me.” and Yukhei didn’t like that. It made him uncomfortable, it made him want to get away from Ten. 

 

Yukhei went through a straight phase where he thought he liked girls but that all kind of changed when he fell for Ten all those years ago, and he hasn’t looked at another girl since. He has, however, had an elaborate taste for cute boys. He was dating Ten, but he honestly couldn’t help his wandering eyes when he saw something he liked-- but he’d never cheat, of course.

 

Yukhei also had a problem that he hadn’t necessarily aired to the world yet-- besides Jungwoo. Yukhei had been aching to let someone know his deep and dark secret that he held inside of him that he couldn’t even tell Ten because it’s not what he expected of him. Yukhei was asexual; he always had been and nothing could change that, no matter how much he loved someone or how attractive they were, he felt nothing sexual toward them. It hadn’t really affected his life until now, when Ten was expecting it to happen because they had been together for so long, and he owed it to Ten, right?

 

It had been weighing on Yukhei’s mind pretty heavily as he sat in his room, watching the lights dance across his wall from headlights on cars passing by, going on their own journey. Yukhei felt sonder and an utmost sadness to the point that his stomach had started to knot. Yukhei both hated and loved holding in his problems. He loved it because he didn’t  _ want _ other people to worry or feel bad for him… but he hated it because it made him feel sick inside. Yukhei looked over to his cellphone that rested by his head on the white sheets of his bed and picked it up.

  
  
  


**Yukhei 2:03 AM**

**_hey, are u still awake? i’m sorry, i know it's pretty late..._ **

 

**Jungwoo 2:03 AM**

**_Of course. What’s up?_ **

 

**Yukhei 2:04 AM**

**_i just need to get something off of my chest. i don’t know how exactly i’m supposed to say it… but i’ve been holding it in for a while and i just don’t know who else to tell._ **

 

**Jungwoo 2:05 AM**

**_You know I’m always here for you._ **

 

**Yukhei 2:10 AM**

**_please don’t look at me any differently after i tell you this. i don’t wnat you to think of me as a different person._ **

**_Fuck, *want_ **

**_Sorry_ **

 

**Jungwoo 2:11 AM**

**_If you’re trying to come out to me, I already know you’re gay. It was kind of obvious._ **

 

**Yukhei 2:11 AM**

**_you’re funny_ **

**_but ya know, i’ve never came out to anyone before. i didn’t feel the need to, it’s no ones business._ **

 

**Jungwoo 2:13 AM**

**_You’re getting off track._ **

 

**Yukhei 2:14 AM**

**_oh yeah, haha ha ha_ **

 

**Yukhei 2:20 AM**

**_i think I’m asexual, jungwoo._ **

 

**Jungwoo 2:22 AM**

**_Wait, that’s it?_ **

 

**Jungwoo 2:27 AM**

**_Listen, I don’t care what you are, it doesn't change the person that you are inside. You’re a good person and I like you, a lot of people like you and they won’t stop liking you because you’re ace. Honestly you’re perfect the way you are ໒( ͡ᵔ ▾ ͡ᵔ )७_ **

 

**Yukhei 2:29 AM**

**_u like me kim jungwoo?_ **

 

Yukhei smirked as an unwarranted tear slid down his smooth cheek. He was confused, he didn’t want to cry, and he really didn’t feel like he needed to, but the tear came out anyways. He locked his phone and let is stay in its resting place near his head as he turned on his side and tucked his knees in and fell asleep feeling much lighter than before. 

 

* * *

 

Yukhei hated when he and Ten had fights, it was always the worst and Ten always made rash decisions before thinking about it. When they fought, Ten would pull out the “I’m breaking up with you” card and then he’d text him the next day asking for forgiveness; and Yukhei, being the man he is, always took him back. Yukhei dreaded being called out for not… loving him properly-- and he could feel it coming with Ten’s prying fingers and looks that lingered a little too long.

 

Yukhei’s worst nightmare came true one night as he was spending time with Ten. Ten was never too pushy when it came to Yukhei’s limits, but he must’ve gotten impatient with him. Yukhei was trying to pay attention to the film that was playing before them on Ten’s TV. Yukhei shifted uncomfortably as he felt Ten’s fingers creeping over his thigh and trying to find their way to his crotch. Beads of sweat were forming on his neck as Yukhei grabbed Ten’s hand and held it, trying to stop him from touching him like that again. Ten always tried things like this when they were alone and Yukhei always rejected him. He couldn’t do this.

 

“Come on, Yukhei.” Ten sighed exasperatedly and pulled his hand from Yukhei’s grip. He crossed his arms before he spoke again. “I want to make you feel good, don’t you want me?”

 

Yukhei’s mouth went dry as he tried to search for something to say, he searched for anything in his mind to say to try to cool the situation down without telling Ten that he actually  _ didn’t  _ want to fuck him-- at all or ever. 

 

“I can’t, Ten. You know I can’t.”

 

“Why? I don’t understand why you can’t fuck your own boyfriend. It isn’t normal, everyone does it, Yukhei.”

 

“I-- it's just that, I--”

 

“You know what, never mind. I don’t care anymore. It's been seven years, Yukhei. You have to grow up at some point and I can’t wait around for you to do it. I don’t know what more I can do.”

 

Yukhei stood up without hesitation, biting his thumb nail and avoiding eye contact with Ten. Maybe he was right? Maybe he needed to grow up? This wasn’t the first advance that Ten had imposed on Yukhei, but this was apparently the last straw for Ten.

 

“I’m sorry.” Yukhei said before stepping out into the chilly night air, closing the door behind him before Ten had the chance to reply to him. 

 

Yukhei felt completely rejected. He felt abnormal, like he didn’t belong with anyone or anything here in this world. He was dejected as he walked down the sidewalk to Woodstock, a bar a few blocks from where Ten lived. Yukhei liked drinking every once in awhile, and he had a pretty high tolerance. But he didn’t want to feel like this; he didn’t want to feel so abnormal or insecure anymore. 

 

Woodstock was a pretty upscale place for a bar, given that it was stationed in Gangnam gave it even more of a snooty vibe as soon as Yukhei strolled through the doors. The whole theme of  _ Wood _ stock… was  _ wood _ . The walls were wood panelling and dim overhead lights casted shadows against the walls, also spreading a shadow over all of the bar goers eyes. It felt surreal to be surrounded by all these faceless people. Yukhei bobbed and weaved through the crowd until he made his way to the bar where a slack bartender wiping a highball glass down with a towel looked at down at Yukhei, sharing his unamused expression.

 

“Shot of soju, leave the bottle.” the bartender looked wide-eyed at Yukhei. “Quickly now, don’t you want a tip?”

 

The bartender scrambled to get Yukhei his shot and left the green bottle sitting in front of him before moving onto some other customers who were ordering some beer and expensive-looking food. Yukhei looked enviously at them. He usually enjoyed beer a lot but the point of tonight wasn’t for enjoyment. He brought the glass to his lips and let the soju pass through his mouth quickly. It burned his throat but he somehow enjoyed the feeling.

 

* * *

 

Yukhei doesn’t remember much at the bar past his fifth shot of soju. But he does remember clambering down the streets back toward the center of Seoul. He fumbled with his phone in  his hands as his shaky fingers tapped wildly on the screen.

 

**Yukhei 12:57 AM**

**_jungwooah cna i com e oevas_ **

**_coem orva_ **

**_come over_ **

**_?_ **

 

**Jungwoo 12:59 AM**

**_Are you drunk?_ **

 

**Jungwoo 1:02 AM**

**_Did something happen?_ **

 

**Jungwoo 1:06 AM**

**_Xuxi?_ **

**_Yukhei?_ **

**_Come over._ **

 

**Yukhei 1:17 AM**

**_im outdise lwt me un_ **

 

Jungwoo let Yukhei into his one room apartment. It was dark and quiet, Jungwoo flopped back onto his bed.

 

“You woke me up, you know? I was in the middle of a really good dream.” the only sound in the room after Jungwoo stopped speaking was Yukhei’s laboured breath and he could hear his heart pounding in his throat.

 

“I-I’m sorry Jungwoo. I just like being in your company, it makes me feel better.” Yukhei’s words slurred together as he stood there stiffly in the middle of the room. He took a seat in a red recliner that was pointed towards Jungwoo’s bed and he casted his eyes down to the floor where the bright moon shined through the mini blinds and projected beams onto the hardwood beneath his feet.

 

“Why are you drunk, Xuxi?” Jungwoo propped himself up on his elbows and looked at Yukhei the best that he could through the darkness.

 

A thousand thoughts ran through Yukhei’s mind-- things that would fit the situation, what he really wanted to say, and his sarcasm peeking through in his mind.  _ I’m not normal, I’m a freak, I don’t belong.  _

 

“Because I went to the bar, Jungwoo. You’re a bartender sometimes, you know that it's what people do.”

 

“It’s a Tuesday night… If there’s anything eating away at you, you know you can--”

 

“I’m fine. I just got into a fight with Ten and I don’t think I want to be with him anymore. He wanted to have sex but I can’t, I just can’t it's not what I want.” Yukhei snapped. He rose to his feet and fidgeted with the strings of his hoodie, his mind whirring around itself. A few moments of pure silence filled the room, so thick that you could cut it with a knife. “Jungwoo, I’m okay.”

 

“I heard you the first time. You’re okay.”

 

“I’m… I’m… I--” Yukhei choked back a sob, trying to mask his suffering in the dark room, but Jungwoo wasn’t dumb.

 

“Yukhei…?” Jungwoo sat up on his bed before getting pushed down. Yukhei was on top of him, his hands balled into fists with the collar of his t-shirt gripped tightly in his vice. Yukhei’s chest heaved as he let himself go, wetness pouring from his eyes as he pushed his fists against Jungwoo’s chest.

 

“Jungwoon… Am I… Am I abnormal?” Yukhei was nearly hysterical as his gaze bore into Jungwoo. He brought his hands up to cup Yukhei’s face, wiping away some of his tears with his thumbs and trying to calm the younger boy.

 

“Yukhei, you’re the most normal person I’ve ever met, you’re human. I don’t know how many times I’ve told you this but just because you don’t have sex doesn’t change anything about you. You’re a beautiful person and if Ten can’t accept that about you then he doesn’t deserve you.”

 

Yukhei fell forward, releasing his grip on Jungwoo’s collar and wrapping his arms instead around his torso. He tucked his face into Jungwoo’s neck and let his tears fall down his cheeks. Jungwoo hugged Yukhei tight around his neck, running his fingers through his hair and pressing his lips to the top of the crying man's head.

 

“I love you, Jungwoo.” Yukhei had calmed a bit, no longer sobbing. He felt empty and he wanted to sleep to get away from this. 

 

“I love you, Yukhei.” Jungwoo said back. He meant it one hundred percent. Jungwoo had been guiltily falling for Yukhei ever since they had met that night at Yukhei’s cousin's wedding, and fuck, he loved him with every ounce of his being. But something in Jungwoo told him  _ he’s drunk, he doesn’t mean what he’s saying now… How could he love you when he has Ten…  _ and Jungwoo too felt tears pricking at his eyes. It was selfish of him when Yukhei was the one hurting.

 

Yukhei’s breathing evened out and the tears that had settled on the smooth skin of Jungwoo’s neck had dried as Jungwoo laid there, looking up at the ceiling and running the scenarios through his head. How Yukhei would be disgusted in the morning at how he had slept in the same bed as Jungwoo and how he’d make up some excuse to leave as soon as he could. Jungwoo fell asleep to the thoughts that attacked his restless mind. 

 

Jungwoo woke up feeling much less pressure on his body-- Yukhei had moved from laying atop of him. Jungwoo perked up when he smelled food cooking. He sat up and rubbed his eyes, seeing Yukhei across the room at the stove mixing something in a pot.

 

“How did you wake up earlier than me? Don’t you have a wicked hangover?” Jungwoo’s voice sounded small.

 

“I don’t sleep well when I’m drunk. I’m making you food, I hope you don’t mind… Its to apologise and thank you for last night. I really shouldn’t have dragged you into that. But thank you for being here nonetheless.” Yukhei averted his eyes and went back to tending the cooking food on the stove. Jungwoo was a bit dumbfounded that Yukhei hadn’t found a way to get the hell out of his apartment yet. This was nice. “I remember most everything by the way, Jungwoo. And I mean what I said.” Yukhei didn’t even bother turning to look at Jungwoo when he spoke, his words would suffice. Jungwoo felt warm as he admired Yukhei’s form hovering about the stove and watching him as he cooked for him.  _ He loves me.  _

 

Yukhei felt good around Jungwoo and he always had. No one made him feel like Jungwoo did-- not even Ten in all seven years of their relationship. When he was with Jungwoo, he felt normal. Jungwoo never tried to pull anything on Yukhei and he was always somehow aware of how Yukhei was feeling. Jungwoo made him know that there wasn’t anything wrong with him, that he was okay; that everything would be okay in the end and that he could be happy. And god, did Kim Jungwoo make Wong Yukhei happy.

 

Yukhei’s phone chimed on Jungwoo’s bedside table. “What’s it say?” Yukhei asked from the kitchenette.

 

“It’s… it's Ten.”

 

“Do me a favour, yeah? You know how to block numbers on iPhones? Do that for me.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“I’m sure. Get over here before this food gets cold, Jungwoo.”

 

Jungwoo smiled and put Yukhei’s phone down, looking at his own hands before pushing himself to the kitchenette. Yukhei looked happy for once, and Jungwoo felt an immense pleasure beaming out from his chest. And god, did Wong Yukhei make Kim Jungwoo happy. 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!! u can find me at my sns or send me questions below  
> [twt](https://twitter.com/247yeol) | [cc](https://curiouscat.me/rosyxuxi)


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